The Flowers that Keep on Giving.

(They have nearly tucked two weeks into their survival belt.)


On my last day of school, my principal, Jan, came huffing up the stairs with this vase of flowers, singing, "Somebody loves you!" She said those exact same words last year on Valentine's as she marched into the library to deliver Ben's present to me.

Somebody does love me.

Isn't this a gorgeous sunflower?

Dra helped me pull out the flowers that weren't hanging on anymore.
Are these lilies? I love them, and in the moment, I loved the rain in the background.

"Flat hair is so last year."

I love these infomercials so much. 

The Bumpit is hideously hilarious. 

I'm going to buy one for a special someone for a later secret make-her-mad/annoyed-laugh super surprise.

Devil Wasp will not leave me alone today!

All I want to do is peacefully finish my book outside in the long lost sunshine, but no, he insists on buzzing me up and down, and he even had the nerve to try to whisper in my ear.

Later, when I was trying to enjoy my lunch out on the patio, back he comes, wanting a taste of my ham sandwich. Get out of here!

A tad later, I dared to try to read my book outside again, and blam! He's creating a twister around me. From inside the sweet safety of our house, my dad saw me slam my bookmark in my book, flip my hair for protection, swat with my book, and whimper as I ran inside. "See! He won't give me any peace!" as I frantically tried to slam the sliding glass door shut behind me. The door's stuck. So instead of creating a quick barrier between me and Devil Wasp, it took a good ten seconds to guarantee my safety. Turns out ten seconds is a long time. I looked incredibly pathetic.

My dad offered no comfort, "He's probably just trying to find a home." I am not a home for wasps.

Ugh! Just now as I looked outside at the shy blue sky, there he was, trying to buzz his way through the screen. Stupid dedicated jerk.

Ben left this morning.

You can catch a glimpse of him in the flag ceremony.
He's on the far left of the line, next to the guy holding the American flag, holding his gun, sporting an intense mustache.

Eli's face expresses what we all thought when we first
spied the parrot in the cherry tree.

To find out the reasoning behind the parrot,
visit Em's blog post: "This should get the job done."

Here's how our Bocce games play out:

1. Being the insane competitor that I am, every move is completely calculated.


2. Ben gets frustrated by all of my "Bocce luck".

I love Ben's little measuring tape sidekick.
Ben wins the majority of the time, so don't look at his upset face and offer sympathy.

Can't get enough of these Cocoa Crisp crazy nephews.

Ben's home for a bit!

He called my office phone, said he'd be there in five minutes, I started to sweat I was so excited. I told him to call my office phone again, and I'd sprint upstairs ready to go.

He called and said he was too nervous to show up at my school all armied-out, so Jensen dropped him off at the Arby's that's kitty corner to my school.

Today, the students received their end-of-the-year refunds, so there were quite a few hanging around Arby's.

"Who's that?"
"Ben."
"Who's Ben? Is he your son?"

Idiots.

Emily spoke in church today.

Jay's take on the whole thing:

1st he pretended to be Emily by mumbling for awhile, then he buried his face in his hands and started crying. Nobody saw this first mock but me.

2nd he stated, "All I know is first you're talking, then you're sobbing."

Then he repeated his imitation of her mumbling then crying for everyone to see. He's really on one today.

Emily gave a fabulous talk.

"Heh, heh, goggles."

A little girl in the audience called out,
"Guess they're going to have to buy a new house."

My friend Anne got married yesterday.

She busted through the doors, "I got married!"
I told her later that if my wedding just happened to be an exact replica of hers, she need not be annoyed, just flattered.


Here's a pic of her nephew, James, stomping through
Mount Timpanogas Temple's flowers.
He refused to come out to his great aunt, and kept his back to the little concrete wall. (I couldn't really blame him, that lady had the most pointy boobs I have ever seen in my life. Quite terrifying actually.)

Jonas Brothers Copied Jay Dee

I was enjoying my rainy Sunday drive, heard an announcement on the radio, and was actually somewhat excited for a song that was coming up. I was about to hear a Jonas Brothers song; I have easily avoided them this entire time. I have been a tad curious what they sound like.

Song starts, pretty cheesy (not surprised), and then I caught the lyrics confessing, "I'm freaking out," and I laughed so hard, I considered pulling over.

If you're not laughing, then you haven't been around Jay Dee enough.

Couple of examples:

"Mom and Dad say I'm staying up too late. They say I need to go to bed. I'm freaking out."

"Amy? You know James come home tonight (from his mission)? I'm freaking out," but he was not freaking out in an I'm-excited-to-see-him way.

This Just In:

I ran up to borrow something from Jay, and he asked if I'd seen his new recipe for ice cream. He told me it was on his desk which is completely saturated with different recipes. It's not a desk, it's a giant sticky note made of tiny sticky notes. While searching for the ice cream recipe he wrote today, he quizzed me, "Great news for you. I got a new CD. Know which one? Jonas Brothers!" I couldn't contain my guffaw, and I told him I just barely heard part of one of their songs this morning. "Oh! Which one is your favorite?!"

Don't know yet Jay, don't know.

These last few of weeks, I've been running at Sugarhouse Park. It is a perfect place to run: duck pond, bike and running path, lots of trees, plenty of grass, longboarders to spy on, and one loop is 1.66 miles. I only have to run two loops for a great 5k.

Every night I run, I have an adventure.

Here's a taste of what you could enjoy if you came with me:

1. I was huffing my way up one of the little hills, trying not to breathe too loud as I passed some of the walkers, and as I made my way to the top, I glanced down at a group "playing" on the grass. Oh, they weren't playing though, they were fighting! A huge group of guys were all decked out in medieval armor: shields, swords, everything, and they were battling while peasant-clad onlookers cheered them on.


2. I was about to finish my second loop, I was telling myself things like, "Best 5k ever! Go faster, there's your car, go faster! You are almost done! You are doing so great!" when two girls passed me. Ugh. One of them was a little heavier set. She had a cute blue tank top on, and a short black tennis skirt. I've always thought these skirts were pretty dang adorable and looked quite comfortable. While I was thinking about whether I should look into purchasing one for myself, oh no! The girl's butt cheeks were making an appearance every once in awhile! Just a hint at the very bottom of one cheek at a time was peeking through, depending on the shift in her weight. No way! I wasn't trying to be a pervert, but I sped up just to clarify. Yup, butt cheeks. So gross in so many ways. Then I was in a dilemma about whether I warned her or not. Would I want to be told? Probably not, it would ruin my run. What would I say anyway? So I kept my mouth shut, and cringed as I watched her pass two older guys.


3. I sprinted to my car, ended my run, stopped my ipod, and walked with my hands on my hips. From behind me came a horrible squealing and crunching. I turned, still with my hands on my hips, to see a guy continue pushing his car into the corner of the car in front of him. Poor buddy, there was no one behind him, he could have easily backed out before pulling out.


4. I spotted a small group of elderly folk powering their way through Tai Chi. Later on a different lap of the park, I saw that they had beautifully colored fans in each hand as they made their moves.


5. I commonly mistake little dogs for cats, but this time, it really was a cat that caught my eye! A huge soft black cat was taking long selfish strides on the curb. An old lady with a gardener hat poked her way over to him, scooped him up like a sack of potatoes, and took him closer to their car. He sat and looked at her, then turned and made a few bored rounds around a tree. He wasn't on a leash, there are dogs everywhere, who takes their cat to the park to hang out? What if he ran up a tree?



6. As I was ending a run, I heard wheels behind me. It startled me, was a rollerblader about to pass me? A guy sporting a helmet and ski poles flew past me on rollerskis. I have no idea if that's what they're called, but that's what it looked like. He tucked in as he headed downhill, poles parallel to the road. Looked like a blast.

I was trying to describe the scene in Crocodile Dundee where Dundee is holding the kangaroo, and the poachers think the kangaroo is shooting back at them.



What does Dundee say to the kangaroo carcass once the drunk poachers speed away?
Is it, "Nice shooting Skippy?"

I tried to find an image of the scene, but I stopped here because it was so dang funny.

I snagged a yogurt from my mom's fridge a couple of weeks ago, and yet it still waits patiently in the fridge at work.

Mom nodded, "Sure you can take one, just know it 'gets you moving.'"

I am scared of the consequences.

Does anyone want it?

Do you ever save old texts for way too long because they remind you that you are wickedly funny?
I imagine that everyone who receives a text from me is always super excited. I live in such a little world of pretend.
Here's a handful of old texts I've let simmer in my outbox for long enough:

"I forgot about our candy apple and when I went to rescue him just now, he was mad, and squishy, and smelly. Nuts."

"Just got out of the bath, and as I watched the water swirl down the drain ... Ew! That's a gross clump of hair. Way wrong. It was a drowned spider! I could puke!"

"Holy crap! Bruce Lindsay is at my table!"

Hilarious responses to good ol' Bruce (held-my-hand-for-too-long) Lindsay:

"Wow! You should make a wise crack about Nadine Wimmer."

"The news anchor?! Resembles dad????"

Ben will be away at training in California for a month,
then home for four days,
then off to New Jersey for a couple of months,
then straight to Afghanistan.
Tuesday night I cried so hard I gagged.

Last Sunday we made Shiskebabs!

Here's Ben grillin' like a villain.

Monday: I decided to take work off so I could play with Ben.

We played speed scrabble all morning, and I graciously beat him most of the time.

We went to Sugarhouse Park and walked around, and I got too crazy and jumped from the bank of the creek on to a sandbar. Ben compared me to a trapped cat because I was fretting about how to get back without getting really wet. Should have thought before I jumped.

Ben dropped me off at the end of school so that I could help out with our faculty meeting. (I got our entire staff to do the circumference conga line, it was hilarious!)

Afterwards, I met Ben at my parents, and again, graciously beat him most of the time at Dr. Mario.

Tried on my dress for Thursday's award ceremony to get my mom's approval on the shoes I planned to wear. I had to suffer a very painful debate about whether I would wear "socks" or not. I refused to wear what I call tights, my mom refused to believe that I could look fancy without "socks". The fact that she was calling them socks was proof enough. I had peep toed shoes, only old ladies would be caught with "socks" on! Her argument was that they were so "nude" that no one would notice. Yeah right. She insisted that I had to at least try them on, I insisted that there was no way in hell that I was going to wear them so there was no need to even try them on. Ben and my dad kept looking at me, then my mom, then me, then my mom ... So I left the house too frustrated, and Ben whispered that he agreed with me completely.

Went to see Earth. I laughed at everything (in a very pleased way) while Ben snoozed. I kept getting scared and my jumps would rouse Ben. "Sorry, but ... the lions!"

Dined at Zupa's. I love that place.

Best day off ever.

I thought ice cream vans were extinct. If they're not, they should be.
Dangerous/Annoying/Creepy/Swine Flu Potential (probably)

The frantic music gives me the chills.

Anybody with me on this? Down with ice cream vans!

My Little 5K Adventure

• Strolled out my front door with Em, and our practice jog morphed into a full on sprint for Trax when we noticed it was already at the station. We managed to run to the wrong side of the train. Turns out that pushing the Door Open button a hundred times doesn't make it open.

• As we ran around to the "correct" side of the train, I waved to a girl in my ward who witnessed our shenanigans. The hilarity helped soothe my jangled nerves.

• Before the race, I was bent down getting our gear bag ready to go on the truck that would take it to the finish line for us, and a lady bounced her butt of my head. Thanks for deciding to run in place at that exact moment lady.

• Wished one of my students good luck.

• Got crazy nervous, then incredibly excited as we started counting down, high-fived Em a couple of times, and off we went!

• A guy passed us who was juggling three red balls while he was running.
  

• Spiderman runs 5k's?

• A couple of bikers tipped over and crashed right next to us. It was a combination of people not getting out of the way for them, and that dang little median that they would bump with a tire. It looked so painful, and they had the shoes that stick to their pedal, so they all went straight down. So glad they were wearing helmets.
  

• When we were close to reaching South Temple, Em told me to look back. Wow! There were so many of us!

• Picked up the pace at the end, and heard Dra call out at us. Best cheerleader ever.


• 

• Waited for Nat, Thurm, Ben, Maggie, and Katie to finish their races.

• High-fived another student who goes to my school, congratulated him on completing a half-marathon, and admired his medallion. He is deaf, but he said, "Thanks!" and signed thanks at the same time. I desperately wanted to hug him.
  

• Met Blaine and Dane from Biggest Losers! I sheepishly called out that my boyfriend beat their half marathon times, but of course I didn't say it loud enough for them to hear. What was I going to say to them?

• "Good luck at the finale!"

• "If you tie at the finale, do each of you get $50,000?"

• "How come Sione didn't run this with you?"

• "Is it weird that your fat made you famous?"

• What I managed was, "Can we take a picture with you? Promise we'll be fast. Thanks! Sorry we're so short." Ugh! Sorry we're so short? Yup, that's really what I said. They laughed really hard and bellowed (bellowed because they're ginormous) that they were sorry that they're so tall.

• 

Is anyone else a tad traumatized by the Seinfeld episode where Elaine is in charge of getting the guy to the race?
I refuse to set more than one alarm.

Here I come baby!

As I was running to my front door, I saw one of my hometeachers on his way up the sidewalk.

Homey: "Amy! Hey! Did I just see you coming from Trax?"

Me: "Yeah, I had a conference down in Salt Lake both yesterday and today."

Homey: "You ride your trax to work?"

Me: "No, I had a conference at the Salt Palace."

Homey: "Is your hair darker?"

Me: "Yup, and shorter."

Homey: "Yeah ... it definitely ... looks darker."

I start laughing and have to stop myself from slapping my forehead.

Homey: "No, no! What I mean by that is it looks good. Real good."

Nice.

Please let me be 

Bragosaurus 

for a Moment

A couple of months ago, my principal asked to see my resume. Confused and terrified since I haven't updated that thing since I got hired, I warily asked why. She confessed that she was nominating me for an outstanding teacher award through the Jordan Education Fund. I bit my lip, and told her that I was extremely flattered. It had been one of those days, and I need to hear those things more often than I do.

Thursday afternoon, after riding Trax home from a conference I attended at the Salt Palace, my eyes took a little siesta even though I was trying to read my book. My phone woke me up. Why was Eastmont Middle calling? Oh crap, probably something with my sub and how he had written on my promethean board with a marker. (I hid those dang markers on purpose! Where did he find a marker? I hope the kids gave him crap all day long.)

My principal: "Amy! It's Jan!"

Trying to mask my sleepy smoker voice was impossible.

My principal: "You got it!"

Me: "I got ... ?"

"You won the award! Of course I told you that you would!"

So she read the letter that they had sent her, and promised to bring my copy tomorrow to our conference.

Wahoo! What a great pat on the back. I also get some money, which my mom suggested using to buy a computer or laptop. Great idea, I was probably just going to pay off some more of my student loan. I am so excited to attend the fancy dinner at Little America. Unfortunately, Ben will be at training in California. I'll be the classy adult attending with her parents ...

Any suggestions on a dress?

Warning! Language at the end of the video.

James introduced me to this clip.

It's the perfect thing when you're in the mood for a quick cringe and a hearty laugh.

"It's not scratched, it's broken. Oh ... this is broken?"

Poor homeless guy.

Dra found this and posted it on her blog first.
I had to steal it, and I will confess that it really got to me. (As in close to tears.)
Apparently, my true love is MarioKart.
I heart that game.

Take a Chill Pill

Hometeachers. Where to even start? Crazy to the max seems to cover all bases.

Today's riddle unfolded when my home teacher (just one home teacher was present which is a completely different, possibly unbloggable story) reminded me that I got to choose who said the prayer because I'm head of the household. He loves saying this every single month, and I pinch my hand to keep my eyes from rolling. "I'll say the opening prayer if you say the closing."

Unfortunately, during the prayer I managed, "We are so glad that Joseph is here to visit teach."

Prayer ends, Joseph frowns.

"I'm here to home teach."

I was so confused, but quickly caught on, and laughed, "Oh! Did I say visit teach?" Ha ha ha. However, apparently I found it way too funny.

"I'm here to home teach." My laughing skidded to a stop. 

Sorry! It's not like you're going to turn into a girl because I said visit teach instead of home teach in a prayer!

P.S. Teaching an entire lesson about the importance of prayer, and then leaving without saying a closing prayer ... priceless.

I want my own place!

Can I, please? Where do I even start? I am so oblivious to all of this. Why didn't I look when I first got my big-girl job? All of these years paying rent ... what a tremendous waste. 

Is this out of reach with a single income? I have become obsessed with looking at stupid craigslist and all of the flashy pictures of tempting townhouses that seem unattainable.

In The Know: Are Our Children Learning Enough About Whales?

"I remember learning that song in school."

Can't get enough of this radical video.

Thank you Faker for keeping it real deal Holyfield.

The Day of My Birth

Ben blew it out of the water with these orange tulips.

Em and my mom arranged these bad boys, and they're still hanging on!

I got to play with the boys all night.

Zach: "We saved the best for last, we bought your favorite nintendo game!"

I patiently pretended like I was enjoying my party as it wrapped up, but inside I was desperate to escape downstairs so that I could beat Life Force.

The Day

• Worked out with Ben. (I was slightly grumpy though. Who works out on their birthday?)
• Ben made me a delectable lunch.
• Shopped with Em ... and Ben. (Poor Ben.)
• Squeezed in a game o' bowling. The night before, Ben, Anth, and I bowled, and I bowled a 132. That's quite good for me, and I beat the men, so that's quite good for my ego.
• Ate the best birthday dinner ever. I hesitated as I requested Thai food for my birthday dinner, but my mom took on the challenge, and boy howdy, it was amazing! (I'm still craving the soup.)
• Showed off the flowers Ben gave me.
• Kicked around the mess of balloons that Dra had blown up for me. (The boys loved this the most.)
• Opened hilarious/thoughtful/useful presents.
• Beat Life Force

What a grand celebration; thanks to everyone for wishing me the best.

Math Class Gamble
Should poker be taught in school?

Ms. Jensen gave me an article that she planned to use in her class, and I turned around and used it in my classes. I had my students read an article about whether or not we should be teaching poker in math. They had to monitor their understanding, make a choice (yes or no) to whether or not we should be teaching poker in school, then defend their choice. I was amazed at how thoughtful their debates were, and delighted with the silly kids' thoughts.

Here's a taste:

"Well if it's illegal to gamble in some states they shouldn't teach it."
"When kids get money, they might even gamble at school, and that might lead to bullying."
"No, cuz kids develop a gambling problem. They also might spend their college fund."

Nervous about this one:

"Yes, because when you grow up and you lost your job and almost all of your money you can try to win some more money by poker."

Laughed the hardest at this one:

"No, wait let me think ... NOOOOO!!!! Would kids want to bring hundreds of dollars to school every day to gamble on?! NO!"

Student:
"Ms. Bateman! You're the neigh in my horse. You're the spur in my boots. You're the fire that ignites my bullet."

Me:
"Calm down cowboy, let's get to work."

My Dad's Christmas Delight:

I boxed up Malloy (my dad's enemy number one),

worried all the way to Rupert, Idaho,

poured Malloy out of the box in a midst of a blizzard,

and prayed for the best.

Ben's mom and dad live in Idaho, and his mom graciously said it'd be okay to let Malloy join the crowd. Ben's dad wasn't as excited.

I was racked with worries about cute little Malloy:

Will he get enough food?

Will he be too cold?

Was he someone's cat?

Will he make friends?

Ben's dad was excited to show us his new idea to keep the cats from jumping up in the window sill and staring in at them. He had pounded nails through a thin board and put the board in the window sill.

Added to my worries about Malloy:

Oh great, I've brought him to a cat-hating house.

The pictures are tiny and not as fun because it's a scanned copy of both sides of the postcard I sent to my dad. Two days after Christmas, my dad found this treat in the mail. My dad laughed out loud with a "REALLY? He's gone! Really?" He was so proud of me.

The Postcard:

Dear Mr. Bateman,

I decided to end the fussin' and the feudin'. I reluctantly packed my box and made the long journey to Rupert, Idaho.

Maybe one day you can come visit me; you are welcome at my shed anytime.

Meow, meow,

Malloy

The Cut



Parker cut a huge chunk off while it was dry. I felt like I was on a makeover show.

I love that Emily's spectacular pictures of Washington D.C. are occassionally interrupted by pictures such as this one.

So confused.

This guy looks EXACTLY like my dad. Why didn't Emily tell me this story?

Oh ... turns out I'm looking at old pictures from my mom and dad's trip awhile back.

I guess my dad is the one who kept snapping shots of squirrels.

Geometry Guffaws

All of last week, my geometry kids have been working their way through a hands on project involving special special segments in a triangle. At the beginning of this week, I explained that everything they had been able to do with their hands, we could do on the computer.

"Are you kidding! We could have done all of this on a computer?!"

"Oh yeah, it is so cool."

Grumble, grumble, grumble from the students.

One part of the computer assignment encouraged the students to create a circle around their triangles, but the three vertices of the triangle had to touch the edges of the triangle. This is called circumscribing the triangle. One of my kids eagerly called me over, "Ms. Bateman, did I circumcise this right?"

"Um..."

His ears immediately blushed bright red. He looked to his left, glanced to his right, nobody had noticed except him and me. We had a great chuckle together.

Later, I was so insanely bored watching them work on the computers. They are so good and so dedicated that I just sit and watch and maybe every ten minutes clarify something for one student. I'm thankful of course, but yeesh, what a long class period. So ... I decided that we needed to practice a lock down.

"What would we do if they came over the intercom and said we needed to go into a lockdown?"

"Get under the desks!"

"So let's practice, I'll go get the lights." The kids scrambled to hide themselves in the small space below their computer.

"No, no, no, this won't work. It is quite obvious that you are in here, your papers are everywhere."

All of these little arms reached up and over and snuck their papers down with them.

"Hmm ... better, but some of you forgot your pens. Nah, this isn't working, your chairs are all over the place."

Ghostly chairs started to be tucked into their places, followed by obvious grunts of discomfort from the crammed students.

"Wow! This looks absolutely amazing, I wish you all could see it," but my attention was pulled towards Colin's computer. Colin was slowly reaching up, searching with his fingers, then finding his computer screen. He slowly turned his screen towards the front of the room, and as it was still squeaking, I read: WE ARE HERE!

"Oh Colin! Great, you've sabotaged us all," and he and his neighbor burst into hysterics. Then I started laughing, then we all started laughing.

The rest of class was peppered with bursts of "We are here! We are here!" in high-pitched voices. The kids confessed that it's from Horton Hears a Who.

I love the funny days.

My thumb won't stop twitching. I've watched way too much t.v.this weekend, and I've seen the "Signs of a Stroke" commercial too often.

None of the signs have been about an overactive thumb, so why am I so worried?

Stupid digit.

Desperate Haircut

Suggestions please! My hair's too long and daily begs for a fantastic color.

My cut's about like this right now. So should I leave the length and put in more layers?

I'm leaning towards short, not blonde, but short. What are the votes on this?

Love the color, length might be too short.

Brandi and Teighlor Heiner introduced me to Selena Gomez: the Disney wizard. I realize that in this picture her hair is pinned, but I really like it as a cut. Agree/Disagree?

P.S. I heart Selena Gomez.

Emily poured purple juice on her plate this morning.

"Hey! This isn't syrup!"

In the Doghouse

My dad was grumpy this morning.

Turns out Malloy has taken over the $200 igloo that my dad bought for the cats so they'd shut their yaps and stop meowing all night. He even bought a heated water dish and a heated pad that he has plugged in to the outside of the house. This morning he found Malloy reaping the benefits of the heated pad in the igloo.

Dad got mad, and unfortunately for Malloy, dad was holding a shovel.

At breakfast, dad exploded, "You need to catch him and take him to the humane society! That is your joal!" shakes his head, but still mad, "That is your goal!"

(Was it a mixture of job and goal?)

It took all I could muster to not laugh at joal, but you better believe I'm laughing now.