Stop!

It's jammer time.

What a great haul, Dra.

I like to think that I motivated you the whole way.

"Um, Dra? The jam isn't going to make itself."

Sit back and get ready for some stories.

1. Yesterday was picture day at ye ol' middle school. I had the glorious responsibility of marching each of my classes downstairs at our designated appointment. Picture day is fun; I love encouraging my kids to get all gussied up.



Couple of not so fun instances:



5th period: We ventured down to the auditorium only to find that there were two classes in front of us, and two right behind us filing in. What the? We definitely were right on time, so what was the hold up? Turns out two out of the three photographers had gone to lunch, and now we were all backed up. I crinkled my eyebrows; couldn't they have gone when we were all at lunch? Shrug, no biggie because we had managed to get everything done before we headed downstairs. Unfortunately, a little too late to prepare, I realized that we weren't going to make it back up to class before the next bell rang. I ran up on stage, told my remaining kids to meet us back up in the classroom, and me and my class bolted back. The bell had already rung! We didn't hear it in the auditorium, so everything turned in to a mad scramble, and my little 7th graders were terrified to be tardy to their next class. I pat shoulders and arms as I threw them out my door with an assurance that I would get a message to their teachers to excuse their tardies. So 6th period had a rough start, but we kept it together.



7th period: Arrgh. I am still fuming.



I'm insane about organization, and my class had the perfect system going to ensure fast moving lines. I placed the kids in line, keeping in mind which photographer had them in and out of there quickly, then sat back down in the auditorium seats and waited for them to return after they'd posed and smiled. I chatted with them as they came back to me, encouraged them to sit nicely and be respectful, and chatted a little with Mrs. Anderson and her kids. Two girls came up to me timidly, one was my student (Jessica), the other a girl I've never met.



Other girl, "Um ... Mrs. Bateman? They won't let Jessica get her picture taken."



Floored, my focus turns to Jess who I notice is absolutely sobbing. I lept to my feet, grabbed her hand, and pulled her away from curious ears. I didn't understand, but my mind was making assumptions like: she didn't bring her money, she forgot to get a parent's signature ... So I tenderly asked Jess to explain to me what was going on.



"He (the photographer) won't let me get my picture taken because of my hat."



My shoulders sagged, my heart broke, and then I was absolutely livid. Jess has cancer and so she's allowed to wear a hat.



"What did he say to you?" I asked as I envisioned ripping his photograph clicking fingers off.



"No hats ... I don't care if you have a pass. No hats ... Get off the stool, it's the next kid's turn."



"Oh Jess, I will take care of this, you will get your picture taken. Sweetheart, go to the bathroom, get a drink, take your time to calm down. Seriously, take as much time as you need, then come find me on the stage. I don't want you to have to have cryry face in your picture. I'm so sorry, but I will take care of this. Jess, did you tell him why you wear a hat?"



"No," and she looked at the ground as she continued to cry.



"Can I tell him Jess?"



"Yes."



So I watched her slowly walk out of the auditorium, and I stomped up the stairs, grit my teeth, and waited by the guy with arms crossed and foot tapping. I wanted to call him names, and point out his stupidity, but we were drenched with students. I explained the situation, got no reaction (I guess I was expecting him to slap his forehead), got a shrug and a, "Go talk to her." So I waited for the photographer on the other end, explained the situation, and she said of course Jess could get her picture taken, "Send her to my line."



So Jess got her picture taken, but she had been crying, and I still wasn't satisfied with how things were handled. That guy had no remorse for making a 7th grade girl cry in school (which no kid ever wants to do), and for making her feel worse about her already crappy situation. Fine, have a rule about not wearing hats, but use common sense. It wasn't a gang hat you big stupid dork.



I told my dad the story, and I love telling my dad stories like this because he gets just as mad as I do. He told me to tell my principal to never let that guy back in our school. Apparently, my dad has told many people to never come back, photographers included.



2. Yesterday, I chose to wear some shoes that I bought in Taiwan. I love them, and I rarely wear them, so I listened to them when they were crying to get some show time. They were hand-made for me;I got to pick out the fabric and wood. I chose to get a "shark wedge" they told me, and red fabric to cross over my foot. Unfortunately, not so comfy. I was very much looking forward to taking them off when I changed clothes to get ready for climbing with some other teachers in Draper.



My ankle kind of hurt when I switched shoes, but my feet were grateful for my chacos.

My ankle kind of hurt as we hiked to the wall we were going to climb.

Then I forgot about it as I belayed a million people, climbed once, and got creeped out by a new guy who solo climbs.

My ankle really hurt as we hiked back down to the car.



This morning, my ankle really hurt, and oh great, it's swollen too.



So ... I called my mom. I never get hurt, I have never broken a bone, rarely bruise, but I do all the things that seem to go hand-in-hand with these injuries. My body always just shrugs everything off.



Examples:



1. Jumping as high as I could off our trampoline, wow! Left foot plants itself on a sprinkler head. Of course it hurt, and I rolled, but body says "No problem."



2. Crashing so hard after trying a jump on my snowboard that I am literally yanked out of my boots. How did that not break or sprain anything such as legs/ankles/wrists/arms?



3. Flying off of a motorcycle after Laurelin got too close of a look at a big oil barrel. Road rash, yes. Bruises? None. Limp? None. Bones? Healthy as ever



And of course there are many more to back up "My body is a superhero's body" theory.



I didn't know how to doctor my own ankle. Do I ice it? Put heat on it? Elevate it? My mom suggested four ibuprofen and ice to axe the inflammation. Guess my ankle is just irritated. Well ankle, I'm irritated because I keep forgetting that you hurt, but then you'll give me lightning painful reminders:

• trying to run up the stairs in my house



• pushing in the clutch in my car



• trying to run up the stairs in my parent's house



• choosing the wrong foot to tippy-toe on to reach in the bottom of the freezer for a dang bean and cheese burrito



• kicking the steps to get dirt off my shoe



• using my toe to point at one of the stupid cats hanging out under the barbecue

My mom bought me a bag of peas at the store, and I downed four more ibuprofen.

Keep it together ankle!

Step-by-Step Guide to Trimming your Beard

Step 1 - Sadness

You've let it run wild for three months, take the time to mourn.

Step 2 - Be creative
Step 3 - Add some twists
Step 4 - Enjoy the New You

Saturday's Climb up Big Cottonwood Canyon

Ben leads the way.


Speck o' Ben


Em rockin' it



Zach saving Bateman face by climbing higher than the other guy.



My job: Belay everyone, but don't ever climb. No, I was happy to belay. It would have been nice to climb, but there's more time.

Saturday's Adventure at the

Farmer's MarketReminds me of AsiaYummy raspberry and peach fruit pie that Em and I shared.Mmm ... so tempting.Em attack's her Rio Grande taco.

(She did finish it all, don't you worry.)

Me and Baby Abe

Meet Abraham Henry Bateman

Winkin'

Baby Time!

Here's baby Abe ... or baby Henry ... we're not sure yet.

I want to birth children like Jackie births children. They're quick and dang cute.

Well ... this guy was quick.

Eli meets the new baby of the family.

"He's my baby!"

"He is so cute."

When we'd ask Ezra if we should call him Baby Henry or Baby Abe, he'd ponder for two seconds, then delightedly scream, "Baby Abe!" (It kind of sounded like Baby Habe!") He definitely prefers Abe to Henry.

"Ezra, let's let Eli hold him now."

"Why?"

Eli gets a turn.

When we'd try to take the baby away, Eli would reach up and pull him back down.

Dra and the little guy.

Grandpa forces a smile for the camera.

Not because he's not happy, he just never smiles.

Hooray! Congrats James, Jackie, Ezra, and Eli.

Here's the Real Deal Holyfield

Me: "Mom? Turns out I eat the skin of kiwis, and everyone I've talked to has cringed at the idea."

Mom: "Of course you do. I taught you to."

Me: Blank stare, then, "I knew it!"

Mom: "I went with James on a field trip, and John Morley was the grocer, and he encouraged us all to eat the skin of kiwis after we had washed them. The skin has the all of the nutrients, and besides, it immediately melts in your mouth."

Me: Justified

So I am no longer Belly Goat Gruff.

(The Belly part was born because my tummy was so sore at the time ... not because I had just eaten the skin of a kiwi.)

Let me know how all of your adventures go as you experiment with kiwi skins.

Curious 

How do you prefer to eat a kiwi?

I've always eaten the entire thing, and I've never second-guessed myself. After watching me down skin and all, Ben called me a Goat and suggested that I move on to eating my plate. The whopping two people that I've remembered to ask only eat the inside. Please tell me I'm not alone.

Nearly Killed My BTF

(Best Teacher Friend)

Jess hatched a brilliant egg and decided that between school meetings and back-to-school night, we should go climbing. We rounded up two other willing participants (let's call them Jane and Doyle) and headed to Draper.

We hiked just a bit to the wall, and wow! Apparently a local dentist had taken the place under his wing, encouraged his scouts to clean up a bit, and now everyone can benefit. There are benches, plaques with hilarious Dental references and the climb's rating, a fence ... We decided on a climb to the north of "Dry Socket," and got to work. It was a grand ol' time peppered with non-stop laughs. While Doyle was climbing, he yelled out "That's a convenient crack!" I was pumped that I got to be outside and away from the school.

Then the laughing stopped.

Jess decided to climb and clean it, and Doyle was eager to belay her. So why not?

Here's why not: It was the most terrifying experience of my life knowing that Jess was hanging on the wall, while down below there was nothing I could do to get the sequence of belaying to stick in Doyle's mind. "Your number one priority is to keep your right hand down, that is what will lock the rope and save her life if she happens to fall," I pleaded. You think this would click, nope. I tried making the process visual: Left hand down, right hand up, right hand down, left hand down, slide ... I tried doing it at the same time Doyle was ... It all resulted in a jumbly, awkward mess of a try by Doyle.

I was hoping that Jess wasn't aware of how scared I was, and I was insanely grateful that it was an easy climb, but I was verge panic. I tried to be supportive and continued to walk Doyle through the process over and over again ... huge sigh ... at least she made it to the top safely, and then ...

"I got this," Doyle reassured us, confident that he understood how to let her down. I finally felt confident that this was the part where redemption would come for the lackluster first half of the climb. I explained to Doyle that the rope needed to come through slowly, and Doyle said he has had experience with repelling before ... I shouldn't have been so assuming that this was the easy part.

The first five feet of Jess' descent was perfect, and then whoosh! She dropped 20 feet within seconds. I didn't see her actually drop, I was watching the rope the whole time. I saw strain on Doyle's face and heard the panicked, "Whoa! She means business," and I lurched and grabbed the rope and yanked it down. My heart was beeping. Jess handled it very well so feelings weren't hurt, but oh man, I wanted to get mad.

Now it's all really funny, and Ben and I can't stop saying, "Whoa! She means business!" Ben was really flustered when I told him the story, "She means business?! Like Jess has any control over the whole thing." Exactly Ben, exactly.

Chapel in Prague:

I spy a crazed waterhorse.

For my favorite Jackie in Kaysville:

Please let these pictures soothe your jangled nerves, and let the hate for the hilarious zoo picture simmer. I told Ben that you would get married in here. He and I were the only ones in our group who were completely hypnotized, everyone else was creeped out and quickly ran up the stairs to the sweet sweet outside. I wish that I spoke Russian so that I knew how many people really attended the ceremonies in this chapel.

One time, when we were visiting the Czech Republic, our Russian tour took us to a Beer Factory. My reaction, "Smells like yeast," and I could not stop my brain from conjuring up Simpson references to beer.

"Yeah! Beer beer beer, bed bed bed!"
"Do you like football? Do you like nachos?"
"Plug it to my veins!"
"When I was seventeen, I drank some very good beer, that I purchased, with a fake ID. My name was Bobby McGee, I stayed up listening to Queen, when I was seventeen."

Me = ShrugBen at least appreciated the monstrosity of production.

Yesterday's unexpected trip to Hogle Zoo Ezra rockin' it in his sunglasses on the lame train ride.
Like mother like son
It's a penguin hat! They also had a darling blue elephant hat.
Lion drink.
Grandpa held down the button and sprayed Ezra's face and shirt. Therefore, Ezra felt the need to let his belly get some exposure.

Both a little scared to see the White Alligator.
Two monkeys
Eli insisted on seeing the rhinoceros, but was terrified when we got closer.
Do I have a horn like a rhinoceros?

No Aunt Amy.

Wahoo! Ezra rode the buffalo on the carousel like a pro. Eli and Grandpa playing the water bottle stacking game.
I am addicted to Eli's smile and his adorable goofy teeth.
Two crazies
Time to go home.

Ezra's saying, "Monkey cheese!"