Monday, September 21, 2009

Nothing ruins a good soak in the tub like a pervert spider.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

I was patiently standing in line at TJMaxx, waiting to return something for Em. I was called to the register, explained my situation, and waited for the huffy teenager to complete the transaction. From behind me came a,
"Excuse me? Excuse me? Is there a man that works here?"

An older lady was calling out to the cashier, but I was the only one who heard. The lady called out again, and the cashier was very confused, as was I.

Then the flustered lady confessed:
"There's a praying mantis back on the plates in the kitchenware. You know? The bug that pinches? I think you better have a man get it; it's big!" To emphasize her point, she both pinched and swung her arms out real wide at the appropriate moments.

I laughed, the lady smiled, and the cashier was still oblivious.
I regret not going back to see this huge praying mantis.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Please be my Gym Buddy

  • lunges around the 3/4 of the perimeter of the gym combined with shoulder presses
  • last 1/4 up the lunges to bouncing lunges
  • bike on a level that feels like you can't even push it down until you finally get it spinning for one minute as fast you can, immediately jump off and do a set of 12 shoulder raises (repeat this process two more times)
  • run up and down the stairs as fast you can for one min, immediately do 10 squat jumps (think of a frog bending down touching the ground, then jumping straight up as high as he can, smoothly going straight back into squatting and touching the ground), then a set of twelve shoulder lifts (arms straight out in front of your body), repeat this process three more times
  • feel like you're going to fall down the stairs because your quads are so wobbly and tight
  • talk yourself into not puking
  • get dizzy
  • sweat like a logger
  • finish and grab a yoga mat, and pretend to stretch
  • close your eyes, camp out, get scared to be able to stand up again
  • swear off working out
  • convince yourself that you have to run at least two miles on the treadmill (you've got your new Bon Iver purchase to sweeten this idea)
  • stumble into the pitch black Cardio Cinema, use your ipod as a flashlight so you don't bang into the ellipticals
  • start entering info on the treadmill, look around, no one's around, not too bad
  • look up at the screen and realize this is an older movie ... with Gizmo!
  • literally run out of there, terrified and mad

Dear Gym Buddy,

If you were with me, I wouldn't have been so scared of Gremlins because I wouldn't have been alone in the dark.

Visit soon,
Sweaty Belly

Thursday, September 03, 2009

So many things to tell you ...

Here's a list:

  • teacher "pretended" to flip off our pricipal during one of our meetings
  • news crew almost interviewed me at school
  • my Back-to-School Night handouts had my e-mail as amy.batman
  • being in charge of the 7th grade team of teachers gives me an ulcer. Think: Pure chaos.
  • my student teacher always says, "By all means."
  • exhausted one night, people downstairs were being so loud, so I yelled out my window at them, then went downstairs and told a boy to turn down his music because it was shaking my bed. Then I couldn't sleep due to stress about how now everyone probably thought I'm a b.
  • Abe's 1st bday party: Eli threw his wolf over the fence, it landed in their neighbor's poo-ridden garden, Eli was very worried, but Zach saved the day. Ezra stuffed two grapes in his mouth to imitate a monkey, then started muffle screaming that he couldn't bite, got very panicked, so I hooked my finger in his mouth and popped out a grape, then we both laughed really hard.
  • went to dindin with Zach and his Em, oh and Toby, Em was peeking around our booth right as a guy walked up ... you'll have to ask her for the details
  • my Em had a 9 out of 10 first week of college. Last time I talked to her, as we were talking, she fell off of her bed and in to her garbage
  • boy's downstairs' basement flooded: sewer pipe broke, poo water everywhere. They drug everything that got ruined out front, and people kept coming to take it, the couch was very popular. Whenever we saw someone out there, we would try to run out and warn them. All of Ammon's poo-riddled shoes got taken. So gross.
  • One roommate made out with her custodian and now is super embarrassed