June 29th = Grandma's Day

Grandma Bateman takes us grandkids on an adventure every summer, and this year we got to go to This is the Place Park.
Em and I had a blast walking around with Jackie and our favorite boys:
Abe, Eli, and Ezra.

Eli on the "Big Train."

Baby goats (Jealous Ben?)

Ezra reaching through to pet the donkey.

Ezra petting an adorably soft bunny. (Very Bunnicula-like.)
Eli loved the mommy and daddy bunnies.

Ezra pet all of the animals, Eli eventually worked his way around to patting them a couple of times.

Ezra on his pony.
I think he was more excited to get the little box on his armband marked off.

Eli on his pony.

Abe's Turn

Loudest cow ever.

Jackie let Eli and Daniel Boone choose one piece of candy.

The family on the "Little Train."
Abe obviously enjoyed it the most.

View from across the pond.

There was a little sign that warned, "No swimming! No nadar!"
I turned to my family, and asked them what nadar meant. No one knew, not even the strangers around us. Was it some sort of chemical not allowed ... that doesn't make any sense.
Later, when I was relaying my many adventures to the boys downstairs, one yelled from a back room, "Nadar means swimming in Spanish!"

How foolish of me.



Mischief going on inside the teepee.

When one of the volunteers came walking down the path towards us (he was decked out in Native American apparel), Eli grabbed my hand, and cried, "Aaah! Run away!"

Tuesday and Wednesday, I had a Mentor Training class up at the U from 8:30 to 4. It's a long time for me to sit and listen, but I survived by staring out the window, snacking on almonds, and drawing on the little pad of post-it notes. I captured a stick figure getting chased by a car. (I accidentally left it behind, but I'm sure that someone will be quite pleased as they flip through the little yellow pages and enjoy my show.)

The content was ... helpful. I hope that I can be an asset to this "new teacher" next year. However, she's not new to the profession, just new to our school, so I hope that I can do more than, "Well, here's the copy room. You can make copies here. Lots of copies ..." Please pat me on the back because I only annoyed a couple of people during the meetings by calling them out on their ridiculous comments.

I love the convenience of Trax. I would wander out in the morning, ride it up to my designated building, then after class, I would trek back down to my house. I loved my little afternoon walks.

Yesterday morning, as I debated whether wearing flipflops to my meeting was unprofessional, I made my way to the trax station in a daze. Two people in matching yellow shirts sat side by side on the bench, so I strategically skipped a seat, sat down, and pulled out my book. One was a Lenny Kravitz look-a-like, well, Lenny Kravitz when he wakes up in the morning, and the other was a girl (so I thought) who needed to take a brush through her scraggly hair. These two called out to three other yellow-shirted hooligans, who slowly made their way to the station. They all talked like surfer boys (turns out they were all boys, oops) and laughed about their adventurous weekends.

And then,

in a chill drawl, "Hey, how's your morning going?"

Oh! He's talking to me, better hide my Meow Bookmark that Em made me. Wait, no, I love that bookmark, I am proud of it.

We (Jason and I) go on to have a polite little conversation, covering things such as how much I'm enjoying my book even though I'm not that far into it, summer plans, how he's a camp counselor, I asked a lot of questions about the nature of the Jewish Community Center Camp, and then I met all five boys. Stewart, Andrew ... can't remember, and lastly Zyke.

Me: "Will you say that one more time to make sure I got it? Wow!"

While we're talking, Jason's arm makes its way around the back of my seat, and I find out that they're all high school boys. Jason is pretty cute. Trax pulls up, phew, and we all get on together. Jason tells me about his last camping adventure where he used a spindle to create their fires, then he slips in that he and I should go on a campout together, but that he would need my number first.

Aaaahhh! How am I always involved in these situations where I think that I'm just being friendly and polite, but the other party thinks I'm flirting?

"Oh, Jason, I don't think that would work out. You're in high school right? Well, I've been out of college for five years now," and then I laughed because I thought it would ease the tension. Didn't. Please keep in mind that we are on trax having this conversation, crowded morning trax, and I know that other people are feeling my panic and wanting to laugh.

Thankfully Jason got off before I did. "So nice to meet you Amy," and he gave me a parting hug.

Sheesh. I shake my head at some of the adventures I have to endure.

Emily's curious, yet sincere, question to my parents
about Michael Jackson's death:

"So now that he's in heaven, is he black again?"

It's here!

Em's video is now attached.
Scroll down for awesomeness.

After the fiasco, when Em was hiding behind a shopping cart, Dra confessed to me that she didn't think Em was going to use her raptor voice.

I cannot stop watching the video.
Can anyone else hear a cat meow in the middle of it?

(Thank you sister Dra for sharing your pics and vid.
Without you helping me survive Ashley meets Walmart,
I probably would have punched crazy right in the neck.)

Drove to the South Jordan Walmart
to stand in line for close to three hours to meet
Ashley Tisdale.
We took Jay, and wow, so many adventures.

• INSANE girl behind us. "I am so hyper!" "Did you hear screaming?" "I am so excited!" jump jump jump. "Do you think I'll get her autograph?" then repeat these phrases in a high pitch 17 year old voice for almost three hours. She bumped into Dra, hard, multiples times. She bumped into me, so I turned around and asked her to back up a little, explained how I didn't understand why she kept bumping into us, thanks. Dra saw her whisper to a boy behind us, then mock me, and point to my back. So I flipped around and told her that I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, but she needed to stop. We had been waiting in line for too long already, and it was dang hot.

• Stupid Walmart blasted Ashley's song: "It's alright, it's okay, I'm so much better without you!" song over and over and over ... the entire time.
  

• Convinced Emily to run down the aisle screaming, "She's here!" even though we knew Ashley wasn't there. Dra has video, but I doubt it caught how incredibly hilarious it was.
• 
  

• Huge security guards, mostly women, literally shoved us through to meet Ashley. They pulled our pictures out of our hands before we were even up there to get a signature. The line was ridiculously long, I bet a lot of people were mad to the max. "Sorry, but five minutes people! Five minutes!" We barely made it. There was a super sassy / rude family behind us that we were all hoping wouldn't make it in those five minutes.

Dra and Em took all of the videos and pictures, I'm sure they'll post about it soon enough. Maybe I will bamboozle them in to letting me snag some to jazz up this post.

Me and Baby Toby

Last night, I was in the middle of a colorful little dream. Me and my family, which wasn't really my family, you know how that goes in dreams, were up Big Cottonwood Canyon. We were listening to directions from our photographer, who was trying to capture a great family shot. The dark-haired photographer (quite possibly a guy from my gym), was bumbling around, then his eyes lit up, and he insisted that we follow him up a rock slide for the "perfect shot."

I refused. I am terrified of rock slides, how dangerous!

I woke up.

I sat up.

I looked at the corner where my stubborn phone was charging.


Right then (2:16 A.M.), I received a text from my brother, Zach:
Baby! 7 lbs. 13 oz. 20 inches long.


Don't you think it's curious that my body woke up right when Toby was born?

Dear Karli,

Not the best quality, but it aids your post.


Dear Emily,

Remember how Big hissed in your face this morning, but you still love him dearly?


Love,
Amy

The Flowers that Keep on Giving.

(They have nearly tucked two weeks into their survival belt.)


On my last day of school, my principal, Jan, came huffing up the stairs with this vase of flowers, singing, "Somebody loves you!" She said those exact same words last year on Valentine's as she marched into the library to deliver Ben's present to me.

Somebody does love me.

Isn't this a gorgeous sunflower?

Dra helped me pull out the flowers that weren't hanging on anymore.
Are these lilies? I love them, and in the moment, I loved the rain in the background.

"Flat hair is so last year."

I love these infomercials so much. 

The Bumpit is hideously hilarious. 

I'm going to buy one for a special someone for a later secret make-her-mad/annoyed-laugh super surprise.

Devil Wasp will not leave me alone today!

All I want to do is peacefully finish my book outside in the long lost sunshine, but no, he insists on buzzing me up and down, and he even had the nerve to try to whisper in my ear.

Later, when I was trying to enjoy my lunch out on the patio, back he comes, wanting a taste of my ham sandwich. Get out of here!

A tad later, I dared to try to read my book outside again, and blam! He's creating a twister around me. From inside the sweet safety of our house, my dad saw me slam my bookmark in my book, flip my hair for protection, swat with my book, and whimper as I ran inside. "See! He won't give me any peace!" as I frantically tried to slam the sliding glass door shut behind me. The door's stuck. So instead of creating a quick barrier between me and Devil Wasp, it took a good ten seconds to guarantee my safety. Turns out ten seconds is a long time. I looked incredibly pathetic.

My dad offered no comfort, "He's probably just trying to find a home." I am not a home for wasps.

Ugh! Just now as I looked outside at the shy blue sky, there he was, trying to buzz his way through the screen. Stupid dedicated jerk.

Ben left this morning.

You can catch a glimpse of him in the flag ceremony.
He's on the far left of the line, next to the guy holding the American flag, holding his gun, sporting an intense mustache.

Eli's face expresses what we all thought when we first
spied the parrot in the cherry tree.

To find out the reasoning behind the parrot,
visit Em's blog post: "This should get the job done."

Here's how our Bocce games play out:

1. Being the insane competitor that I am, every move is completely calculated.


2. Ben gets frustrated by all of my "Bocce luck".

I love Ben's little measuring tape sidekick.
Ben wins the majority of the time, so don't look at his upset face and offer sympathy.

Can't get enough of these Cocoa Crisp crazy nephews.

Ben's home for a bit!

He called my office phone, said he'd be there in five minutes, I started to sweat I was so excited. I told him to call my office phone again, and I'd sprint upstairs ready to go.

He called and said he was too nervous to show up at my school all armied-out, so Jensen dropped him off at the Arby's that's kitty corner to my school.

Today, the students received their end-of-the-year refunds, so there were quite a few hanging around Arby's.

"Who's that?"
"Ben."
"Who's Ben? Is he your son?"

Idiots.

Emily spoke in church today.

Jay's take on the whole thing:

1st he pretended to be Emily by mumbling for awhile, then he buried his face in his hands and started crying. Nobody saw this first mock but me.

2nd he stated, "All I know is first you're talking, then you're sobbing."

Then he repeated his imitation of her mumbling then crying for everyone to see. He's really on one today.

Emily gave a fabulous talk.

"Heh, heh, goggles."

A little girl in the audience called out,
"Guess they're going to have to buy a new house."

My friend Anne got married yesterday.

She busted through the doors, "I got married!"
I told her later that if my wedding just happened to be an exact replica of hers, she need not be annoyed, just flattered.


Here's a pic of her nephew, James, stomping through
Mount Timpanogas Temple's flowers.
He refused to come out to his great aunt, and kept his back to the little concrete wall. (I couldn't really blame him, that lady had the most pointy boobs I have ever seen in my life. Quite terrifying actually.)

Jonas Brothers Copied Jay Dee

I was enjoying my rainy Sunday drive, heard an announcement on the radio, and was actually somewhat excited for a song that was coming up. I was about to hear a Jonas Brothers song; I have easily avoided them this entire time. I have been a tad curious what they sound like.

Song starts, pretty cheesy (not surprised), and then I caught the lyrics confessing, "I'm freaking out," and I laughed so hard, I considered pulling over.

If you're not laughing, then you haven't been around Jay Dee enough.

Couple of examples:

"Mom and Dad say I'm staying up too late. They say I need to go to bed. I'm freaking out."

"Amy? You know James come home tonight (from his mission)? I'm freaking out," but he was not freaking out in an I'm-excited-to-see-him way.

This Just In:

I ran up to borrow something from Jay, and he asked if I'd seen his new recipe for ice cream. He told me it was on his desk which is completely saturated with different recipes. It's not a desk, it's a giant sticky note made of tiny sticky notes. While searching for the ice cream recipe he wrote today, he quizzed me, "Great news for you. I got a new CD. Know which one? Jonas Brothers!" I couldn't contain my guffaw, and I told him I just barely heard part of one of their songs this morning. "Oh! Which one is your favorite?!"

Don't know yet Jay, don't know.

These last few of weeks, I've been running at Sugarhouse Park. It is a perfect place to run: duck pond, bike and running path, lots of trees, plenty of grass, longboarders to spy on, and one loop is 1.66 miles. I only have to run two loops for a great 5k.

Every night I run, I have an adventure.

Here's a taste of what you could enjoy if you came with me:

1. I was huffing my way up one of the little hills, trying not to breathe too loud as I passed some of the walkers, and as I made my way to the top, I glanced down at a group "playing" on the grass. Oh, they weren't playing though, they were fighting! A huge group of guys were all decked out in medieval armor: shields, swords, everything, and they were battling while peasant-clad onlookers cheered them on.


2. I was about to finish my second loop, I was telling myself things like, "Best 5k ever! Go faster, there's your car, go faster! You are almost done! You are doing so great!" when two girls passed me. Ugh. One of them was a little heavier set. She had a cute blue tank top on, and a short black tennis skirt. I've always thought these skirts were pretty dang adorable and looked quite comfortable. While I was thinking about whether I should look into purchasing one for myself, oh no! The girl's butt cheeks were making an appearance every once in awhile! Just a hint at the very bottom of one cheek at a time was peeking through, depending on the shift in her weight. No way! I wasn't trying to be a pervert, but I sped up just to clarify. Yup, butt cheeks. So gross in so many ways. Then I was in a dilemma about whether I warned her or not. Would I want to be told? Probably not, it would ruin my run. What would I say anyway? So I kept my mouth shut, and cringed as I watched her pass two older guys.


3. I sprinted to my car, ended my run, stopped my ipod, and walked with my hands on my hips. From behind me came a horrible squealing and crunching. I turned, still with my hands on my hips, to see a guy continue pushing his car into the corner of the car in front of him. Poor buddy, there was no one behind him, he could have easily backed out before pulling out.


4. I spotted a small group of elderly folk powering their way through Tai Chi. Later on a different lap of the park, I saw that they had beautifully colored fans in each hand as they made their moves.


5. I commonly mistake little dogs for cats, but this time, it really was a cat that caught my eye! A huge soft black cat was taking long selfish strides on the curb. An old lady with a gardener hat poked her way over to him, scooped him up like a sack of potatoes, and took him closer to their car. He sat and looked at her, then turned and made a few bored rounds around a tree. He wasn't on a leash, there are dogs everywhere, who takes their cat to the park to hang out? What if he ran up a tree?



6. As I was ending a run, I heard wheels behind me. It startled me, was a rollerblader about to pass me? A guy sporting a helmet and ski poles flew past me on rollerskis. I have no idea if that's what they're called, but that's what it looked like. He tucked in as he headed downhill, poles parallel to the road. Looked like a blast.

I was trying to describe the scene in Crocodile Dundee where Dundee is holding the kangaroo, and the poachers think the kangaroo is shooting back at them.



What does Dundee say to the kangaroo carcass once the drunk poachers speed away?
Is it, "Nice shooting Skippy?"

I tried to find an image of the scene, but I stopped here because it was so dang funny.

I snagged a yogurt from my mom's fridge a couple of weeks ago, and yet it still waits patiently in the fridge at work.

Mom nodded, "Sure you can take one, just know it 'gets you moving.'"

I am scared of the consequences.

Does anyone want it?

Do you ever save old texts for way too long because they remind you that you are wickedly funny?
I imagine that everyone who receives a text from me is always super excited. I live in such a little world of pretend.
Here's a handful of old texts I've let simmer in my outbox for long enough:

"I forgot about our candy apple and when I went to rescue him just now, he was mad, and squishy, and smelly. Nuts."

"Just got out of the bath, and as I watched the water swirl down the drain ... Ew! That's a gross clump of hair. Way wrong. It was a drowned spider! I could puke!"

"Holy crap! Bruce Lindsay is at my table!"

Hilarious responses to good ol' Bruce (held-my-hand-for-too-long) Lindsay:

"Wow! You should make a wise crack about Nadine Wimmer."

"The news anchor?! Resembles dad????"

Ben will be away at training in California for a month,
then home for four days,
then off to New Jersey for a couple of months,
then straight to Afghanistan.
Tuesday night I cried so hard I gagged.

Last Sunday we made Shiskebabs!

Here's Ben grillin' like a villain.

Monday: I decided to take work off so I could play with Ben.

We played speed scrabble all morning, and I graciously beat him most of the time.

We went to Sugarhouse Park and walked around, and I got too crazy and jumped from the bank of the creek on to a sandbar. Ben compared me to a trapped cat because I was fretting about how to get back without getting really wet. Should have thought before I jumped.

Ben dropped me off at the end of school so that I could help out with our faculty meeting. (I got our entire staff to do the circumference conga line, it was hilarious!)

Afterwards, I met Ben at my parents, and again, graciously beat him most of the time at Dr. Mario.

Tried on my dress for Thursday's award ceremony to get my mom's approval on the shoes I planned to wear. I had to suffer a very painful debate about whether I would wear "socks" or not. I refused to wear what I call tights, my mom refused to believe that I could look fancy without "socks". The fact that she was calling them socks was proof enough. I had peep toed shoes, only old ladies would be caught with "socks" on! Her argument was that they were so "nude" that no one would notice. Yeah right. She insisted that I had to at least try them on, I insisted that there was no way in hell that I was going to wear them so there was no need to even try them on. Ben and my dad kept looking at me, then my mom, then me, then my mom ... So I left the house too frustrated, and Ben whispered that he agreed with me completely.

Went to see Earth. I laughed at everything (in a very pleased way) while Ben snoozed. I kept getting scared and my jumps would rouse Ben. "Sorry, but ... the lions!"

Dined at Zupa's. I love that place.

Best day off ever.

I thought ice cream vans were extinct. If they're not, they should be.
Dangerous/Annoying/Creepy/Swine Flu Potential (probably)

The frantic music gives me the chills.

Anybody with me on this? Down with ice cream vans!

My Little 5K Adventure

• Strolled out my front door with Em, and our practice jog morphed into a full on sprint for Trax when we noticed it was already at the station. We managed to run to the wrong side of the train. Turns out that pushing the Door Open button a hundred times doesn't make it open.

• As we ran around to the "correct" side of the train, I waved to a girl in my ward who witnessed our shenanigans. The hilarity helped soothe my jangled nerves.

• Before the race, I was bent down getting our gear bag ready to go on the truck that would take it to the finish line for us, and a lady bounced her butt of my head. Thanks for deciding to run in place at that exact moment lady.

• Wished one of my students good luck.

• Got crazy nervous, then incredibly excited as we started counting down, high-fived Em a couple of times, and off we went!

• A guy passed us who was juggling three red balls while he was running.
  

• Spiderman runs 5k's?

• A couple of bikers tipped over and crashed right next to us. It was a combination of people not getting out of the way for them, and that dang little median that they would bump with a tire. It looked so painful, and they had the shoes that stick to their pedal, so they all went straight down. So glad they were wearing helmets.
  

• When we were close to reaching South Temple, Em told me to look back. Wow! There were so many of us!

• Picked up the pace at the end, and heard Dra call out at us. Best cheerleader ever.


• 

• Waited for Nat, Thurm, Ben, Maggie, and Katie to finish their races.

• High-fived another student who goes to my school, congratulated him on completing a half-marathon, and admired his medallion. He is deaf, but he said, "Thanks!" and signed thanks at the same time. I desperately wanted to hug him.
  

• Met Blaine and Dane from Biggest Losers! I sheepishly called out that my boyfriend beat their half marathon times, but of course I didn't say it loud enough for them to hear. What was I going to say to them?

• "Good luck at the finale!"

• "If you tie at the finale, do each of you get $50,000?"

• "How come Sione didn't run this with you?"

• "Is it weird that your fat made you famous?"

• What I managed was, "Can we take a picture with you? Promise we'll be fast. Thanks! Sorry we're so short." Ugh! Sorry we're so short? Yup, that's really what I said. They laughed really hard and bellowed (bellowed because they're ginormous) that they were sorry that they're so tall.

• 

Is anyone else a tad traumatized by the Seinfeld episode where Elaine is in charge of getting the guy to the race?
I refuse to set more than one alarm.

Here I come baby!

As I was running to my front door, I saw one of my hometeachers on his way up the sidewalk.

Homey: "Amy! Hey! Did I just see you coming from Trax?"

Me: "Yeah, I had a conference down in Salt Lake both yesterday and today."

Homey: "You ride your trax to work?"

Me: "No, I had a conference at the Salt Palace."

Homey: "Is your hair darker?"

Me: "Yup, and shorter."

Homey: "Yeah ... it definitely ... looks darker."

I start laughing and have to stop myself from slapping my forehead.

Homey: "No, no! What I mean by that is it looks good. Real good."

Nice.

Please let me be 

Bragosaurus 

for a Moment

A couple of months ago, my principal asked to see my resume. Confused and terrified since I haven't updated that thing since I got hired, I warily asked why. She confessed that she was nominating me for an outstanding teacher award through the Jordan Education Fund. I bit my lip, and told her that I was extremely flattered. It had been one of those days, and I need to hear those things more often than I do.

Thursday afternoon, after riding Trax home from a conference I attended at the Salt Palace, my eyes took a little siesta even though I was trying to read my book. My phone woke me up. Why was Eastmont Middle calling? Oh crap, probably something with my sub and how he had written on my promethean board with a marker. (I hid those dang markers on purpose! Where did he find a marker? I hope the kids gave him crap all day long.)

My principal: "Amy! It's Jan!"

Trying to mask my sleepy smoker voice was impossible.

My principal: "You got it!"

Me: "I got ... ?"

"You won the award! Of course I told you that you would!"

So she read the letter that they had sent her, and promised to bring my copy tomorrow to our conference.

Wahoo! What a great pat on the back. I also get some money, which my mom suggested using to buy a computer or laptop. Great idea, I was probably just going to pay off some more of my student loan. I am so excited to attend the fancy dinner at Little America. Unfortunately, Ben will be at training in California. I'll be the classy adult attending with her parents ...

Any suggestions on a dress?

Warning! Language at the end of the video.

James introduced me to this clip.

It's the perfect thing when you're in the mood for a quick cringe and a hearty laugh.

"It's not scratched, it's broken. Oh ... this is broken?"

Poor homeless guy.

Dra found this and posted it on her blog first.
I had to steal it, and I will confess that it really got to me. (As in close to tears.)
Apparently, my true love is MarioKart.
I heart that game.

Take a Chill Pill

Hometeachers. Where to even start? Crazy to the max seems to cover all bases.

Today's riddle unfolded when my home teacher (just one home teacher was present which is a completely different, possibly unbloggable story) reminded me that I got to choose who said the prayer because I'm head of the household. He loves saying this every single month, and I pinch my hand to keep my eyes from rolling. "I'll say the opening prayer if you say the closing."

Unfortunately, during the prayer I managed, "We are so glad that Joseph is here to visit teach."

Prayer ends, Joseph frowns.

"I'm here to home teach."

I was so confused, but quickly caught on, and laughed, "Oh! Did I say visit teach?" Ha ha ha. However, apparently I found it way too funny.

"I'm here to home teach." My laughing skidded to a stop. 

Sorry! It's not like you're going to turn into a girl because I said visit teach instead of home teach in a prayer!

P.S. Teaching an entire lesson about the importance of prayer, and then leaving without saying a closing prayer ... priceless.

I want my own place!

Can I, please? Where do I even start? I am so oblivious to all of this. Why didn't I look when I first got my big-girl job? All of these years paying rent ... what a tremendous waste. 

Is this out of reach with a single income? I have become obsessed with looking at stupid craigslist and all of the flashy pictures of tempting townhouses that seem unattainable.

In The Know: Are Our Children Learning Enough About Whales?

"I remember learning that song in school."

Can't get enough of this radical video.

Thank you Faker for keeping it real deal Holyfield.

The Day of My Birth

Ben blew it out of the water with these orange tulips.

Em and my mom arranged these bad boys, and they're still hanging on!

I got to play with the boys all night.

Zach: "We saved the best for last, we bought your favorite nintendo game!"

I patiently pretended like I was enjoying my party as it wrapped up, but inside I was desperate to escape downstairs so that I could beat Life Force.

The Day

• Worked out with Ben. (I was slightly grumpy though. Who works out on their birthday?)
• Ben made me a delectable lunch.
• Shopped with Em ... and Ben. (Poor Ben.)
• Squeezed in a game o' bowling. The night before, Ben, Anth, and I bowled, and I bowled a 132. That's quite good for me, and I beat the men, so that's quite good for my ego.
• Ate the best birthday dinner ever. I hesitated as I requested Thai food for my birthday dinner, but my mom took on the challenge, and boy howdy, it was amazing! (I'm still craving the soup.)
• Showed off the flowers Ben gave me.
• Kicked around the mess of balloons that Dra had blown up for me. (The boys loved this the most.)
• Opened hilarious/thoughtful/useful presents.
• Beat Life Force

What a grand celebration; thanks to everyone for wishing me the best.